Letters to Chaol Westfall
by G.is.bored
Summary: Letters Aelin wrote to Chaol, but never sent. On the boat to Wendlyn, in her rooms between training with Rowan, and during their time as rebels together in Adarlan. Aelin reflects on the love she had for Chaol with bitterness on her tongue. After all, what an idiot he was for calling her a monster.
1. Letter 1

_Dear nobody,_

_I've left him. I still love him._

_Leaving him wasn't hard. Not in the moment at least. I smiled while he cried. Not in a cruel way. I guess my body was just so overwhelmed with feeling. I asked for a hug so I could breathe in his scent one last time. As if I could keep it with me forever._

_I remember that feeling in my chest. The squeezing. The hyperventilating. The constricting throat. Like my life was ending._

_The distance is what's going to save me. This boat ride to Wendlyn. I know it's only a way I've developed to cope but I've put everything into this voyage. The hope of a new life, no matter the responsibilities, is exhilarating as I deal with the pain. Gods, I wish he died instead of this._

_No doubt I still love him. Everything I do my thoughts end up drifting back to him. My body misses him. I built up an addiction that now causes me withdrawal. It's so similar to drug withdrawal. The crying. The shakes. The paranoia. The suicidal thoughts._

_It's not fair of me to think like that. It's not the end of the world. But I'm a fucking teenager. Right now all I can do is drown my thoughts in wine and books._

Aelin neatly folded the letter and tucked it into her breeches. She left the captains quarters that had been graciously given to her after the man saw all the weapons strapped to her body and her heavy coin purse. The ocean was calm but the sky was dark with an approaching storm. She climbed the mast, none of the sailors blinked an eye. They gave her space for her exercise. No one questioned her when she pulled the letter out into her palm and let it blow into the ocean.


	2. Letter 2

_Dear Chaol,_

_How fucking could you? I loved you so much. You weren't the first, but you were supposed to be the last. I feel like a child looking back at what I promised you. What I dreamed with you. Philipa and all her scoldings were rights._

_Time has passed but I still feel broken. Two sailors, David and Edward, have attempted friendship with me. I know what they want. I still succumb to their dallying to ward off the crushing loneliness. _

_Loneliness is a strange sort of thing. It creeps up on you, quiet and still, sits by your side in the dark, strokes your hair as you sleep. It wraps itself around your bones, squeezing so tight you almost can't breathe. It leaves lies in your heart, lies next to you at night, leaches the light out from every corner. It's a constant companion, clasping your hand only to yank you down when you're struggling to stand up. You wake up in the morning and wonder who you are. You fail to fall asleep at night and tremble in your skin. You doubt you doubt you doubt._

_Do I_

_Don't I_

_Should I _

_Why won't I_

_And even when you're ready to let go. When you're ready to break free. When you're ready to be brand-new. Loneliness is an old friend standing beside you in the mirror, looking you in the eye, challenging you to live your life without it. You can't find the words to fight yourself, to fight the words screaming that you're not enough, never enough never ever enough. Loneliness is a bitter, wretched companion. Sometimes it just __**won't let go. **__(Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me)_


	3. Letter 3

_Dear Ocean, _

_As you've consumed my last three letters I thought it'd be fitting to just address them to you. _

_I'm healing. Time is the only thing that can heal me. So fucking cliche. I guess that's for a reason. Chaol still pops into my head. I don't get better. I do great and then I do terrible. I go a day without him popping to my mind then I go two minutes._

_The worst part is the dreams. Every night. Chao visits me in my dreams. I wake up to the sound of waves crashing against the side of the boat and I know nothing is wrong. And then it sets in. A deep sort of physical panic. My body freezes as my mind races through the memory of the last dream. He's kissing me, he's holding me, he loves me. He's gone. You left. Then it gets hard to breathe, it gets hard to swallow. I think of anything but the dream, anything but him. It never works._

_If only I'd..._

_If only she'd..._

_If one he'd..._

_I rerun through every horrible thing I've done. I convince myself that I could have saved what we had. Terror runs through my blood. A constant companion to the adrenaline. I have to remind myself... __**It's not your falt.**_

_I'm the one careening out of control. Because sometimes you see yourself- you see yourself the way you could be- the way you might be if things were different. And if you look too closely, what you see will scare you, it'll make you wonder what you might do if given the opportunity. You know there's a different side of yourself you don't want to recognize, a side you don't want to see in the daylight. You spend your whole life doing everything to push it down and away, out of sight, out of mind. You pretend that a piece of yourself doesn't exist. You live like that for a long time. For a long time, you're safe. And then you're not. (Tahereh Mafi, Shatter me)_


	4. Letter 4

_Dear Stars,_

_I'm not in the mood to write to the Ocean today. I was splashed yesterday and now I smell like fish. _

_The sailors Edwards and David have been bugging me, but they are my only company on this ship. The rest of the men on board don't talk to me. I don't know if it's because of my quick temper of the weapons strapped to my body. It could be that they knew Chaol. Chaol had the ability to command loyalty from any man. I don't talk to them in fear that they have chosen a side. Chaol's side._

_Edward's company is horribly uncomfortable. He's awkward but kind. The type of person that makes you uncomfortable, but you can't push away because technically they haven't done anything to harm you. I know what he wants. He wants to get in my pants, he admitted in a pathetic attempt that he quickly revoked saying he was 'drunk'. The worst part is, he knows I just left Chaol. I can't imagine understanding what goes on in his head but I can try to assume. He thinks I miss the comfort of a body, I don't know. Chaol may have been horrible to me at some points, but I still have standards! I enjoy his awkward attention. I know it's horrible to allow him to rumble on and on but honestly, I don't have the heart anymore to tell him to stop. I need any sort of attention, even if it mildly disgusts me. I need anything to keep me from breaking. _

_David is the better of the two. The thought of my body is on his mind. Not flattering myself at all. He too, offered in the first conversation we had together in a desperate attempt. He offered in the first conversation we had together. No, I cannot offer him that, but I can offer him my company as a friend. This seems good enough for him for now. His sweetheart left him too. Our conversations are often one-sided where we pretend to listen to each other so when they,ve finished we say 'I totally understand! This one time I was with my love we...'. We analyze each other's hurt to justify the pain. He won't mean anything to me in a few months. We are so very different from each other. I am thankful for what we do for each other now, but I know with time we will drift apart. He's kept me alive. Without him meaning very much to me, he's kept me from breaking. _


	5. Letter 5

_Dear Chaol, _

_Fuck you. I'm so angry with you. Of course, I have real reasons but right now this is just how I am coping with the loss of you. Five stages of grief? No, I don't think that's how this works. It's more like an ocean. Some days I am raging while others I am calm. Right now I am crashing into boats and ruining lives, I wish I could ruin you. I wish I could take revenge for all the feelings you made me feel. I wish I could take it all back. _

_I wake up from dreams angry. You no longer hold me in my dreams. You no longer laugh with me. Now you're laughing at me, you're pushing me, you're cheating on me, you're cutting me. The spark in your eyes is no longer love, it's revenge, anger, resentment. I feel my emotions shifting. I don't wake up longing for you anymore. I wake up scared and angry._

_I am almost to Wendlyn now. I suppose I have to start acting like a human again. I have a mission after all, but I know if the King came to find me I wouldn't fight from being imprisoned or even killed. I would only fight if I was to be brought back to you. If I came back I wouldn't know if it would be to love you again or kill you._

_I think about you less and less. I don't remember what your face looks like. I don't remember the hue of your skin. I don't remember the tang of your scent. _

_You're a memory now, not a person._


	6. Letter 6

_Dear Chaol, _

_I've made it to Wendlyn now. The only company I have is this huge hulking brute, Rowan. He won't talk to me, he won't look at me. He seems to be the only being on earth that is not susceptible to my flirting. Not that I want anything to come from it, but recently flirting has been my tool to stay sane. No, I don't like him but I am desperate to feel something like that again. I am desperate to feeling anything. _

_I've thrown myself into training. I've become really thin. I don't eat, simply because I don't feel hungry. I wish I had cravings again. I wish I craved chocolate and wine but lately, I'm just void of feeling._

_Sometimes I think about you. Do you think about me? Do you miss me? I would never admit to missing you. Do you dream about me? Do you wake up in the morning sweating? Thinking about what we once had? I'm not desperate to know. I'm just curious. I just want to know how deeply you've been affected. It'd be validation to know if this process was as long and complicated for you as it has been for me._

_There is a small spark in the bottom of my soul. I haven't dared acknowledge it. It's a small part of me hoping for happiness. It's a part striving to __**live **__again. I don't dare acknowledge it in fear that too much attention my extinguish it. After training, I start to feel a glimmer of want. I want to go eat, I want to go work, I want to go see Emrys, I want to listen to a story. I don't know what this means for me. I don't know if this is progress. You're still in my mind and I don't know if you'll ever fully leave me. I hope you do._

Rowan crumpled the note in his fist. Who is Chaol? It's obvious that Aelin is hurting as much as he was. His lip curled. He thought her an arrogant girl but it seems there is more to her. Foolish. She should have used her power to burn this letter. Maybe Chaol was the reason she was struggling to access it. A territorial ember in his body at the thought of a man treating Aelin anything less than she is. Anything less than she is? She's an arrogant girl that's hell-bent on making his life miserable.

_She's kind. She's loyal. She's the chance for a better world._

No. Not for Rowan. Not while he is blood sworn to Maeve.


	7. Letter 7

_Dear Moon,_

_I barely think about him anymore. Sometimes I miss him, or I miss what we had. I can't even tell the difference anymore. The thought of him only comes to me late at night when I can't sleep, but is no longer the cause of no sleep. I suppose this means I've healed?_

_Sometimes I recognize a feeling in my body and say to myself, __**I miss him.**__ I don't know if it makes me weak for still missing him or strong for admitting I am still working on myself. Throwing myself into training has really helped keep me busy. I don't have the time to think about him anymore. Most nights when my head hits the pillow I instantly fall asleep._

_I can recognize the changes in my behavior. I am more outgoing and will to take risks when it comes to socializing at the fortress. Although other then Emyrs I don't have any long personal connections. I suppose this could also be to Rowan's scowling. He is greatly feared at this place. I not sure if its reputation or something happened here. Reputation I hope._

_I still own the ring he gave me. It's the last sentimental item I have. The rest I burned. With the normal sort of fire. I keep it in my pocket but rarely put it on. I think that's because I have some fear that if I wear it all the hurt and feelings will come rushing back into me. A shame really. It's a damn pretty ring. Maybe if I make a friend or meet a long lost sister I can gift it to her. It's too pretty to burn. Not that I could burn it anyways. If Rowan caught me lighting a fire without using my fire I'm sure I'd be chopping wood for months. If I even survive the bastard for that long._

Aelin stared at the note she had crumpled into her hand. Despite her furrowed brow and silent protests, the paper remained intact. It did not light up in impressive flames. She cursed a few times to see if the note would fight back. It seems when she was fighting (mostly just Rowan) that she'd come the closest to reaching her power. The paper, no matter how hard she thought at it, did not light ablaze. Aelin scoffed and threw it into the fireplace. Watching the smoke rise she felt as if some weight on her shoulders rose with it.


	8. Letter 8

_Dear Chaol,_

_Yesterday I lit my first candle. After nursing the bruise I had received from Rowan throwing an apple at my head because my "whining", I managed to light the candle. Seconds after this I managed to vomit up the apple from an hour earlier, along with the remnants of my breakfast. Rowan told me it was from the iron in my blood, and the symptoms should stop after a few hours. I haven't been able to rid myself of the hollow shaking in my hands. Even an entire day after, my hands are still shaking. The shaking could be from my dream. _

_I don't know if it was the magic that set my brain off. I had the most vivid dream. You came to me in a dream again. I wonder if it happens when we both go to bed thinking about each other. It was beautiful like we had it in the beginning. The worst part about these dreams is the feeling I get after I wake up. For a few seconds, sometimes minutes, I snuggle in ignorant bliss. I think through the dream I just had. Then it hits me. I remember you're gone. A dull panic sets into my bones. I can't roll over, I can't breathe, I can't even distract myself. I can only listen to my pounding heart and racing thoughts. I have to convince my brain that the dream is wrong. That a relapse like this is not acceptable. I approach it like a drug addict relapsing. Because that's what's happening, right?_

_I need to move on with my life. Now don't get me wrong, I have moved on from you Chaol. But where I am now, feels stagnant. I go day after day with barely now progress. Day after day I beat into the dirt by the arrogant bastard Rowan. Secretly I want to go to Wendlyn, I want the responsibility, I want to see my aunt. I also know this responsibility will crush down onto my shoulders with ten times the weight that you did. I guess it would just feel better to help others with their problems than wallowing in my own. _

_On a positive note, Rowan has promised to take me to the healer's fortress. The traveling will be good for me I hope. A change in scenery might be what I need to spur my training into exponential progress. Doubtful, but if it happens I will finally get to see the spider queen. Spider queen. You know... That dream I had felt as if I were a fly caught in a web. As if there was someone watching, crafting, orchestrating. I best not make it out to be magic._

Aelin's face heated with anger. How could she allow herself to think about him? She had made such progress, and yet that dream had dragged her back months. She held the note in her hand. To her delight, it burst into flame. She opened her hand and let the ashes blow onto the table from the breeze that had entered her window. _Begone Chaol. Let me live._


	9. Letter 9

_Dear Mom,_

_I went to the healer's fortress yesterday. I honestly felt as close to you as ever, even though we may be worlds apart. The one drop of water in me keeps me grounded. I am so excited I can finally reach it. I think I'm growing to my power. I still feel clumsy and awkward about but, I'm sure that's just because I have a hulking brute with me at all times pointing out my mistakes. _

_I'm so thankful for him Mom. For Rowan. Gods I would never tell him that. He'd laugh at me then make me chop MORE wood. The dynamic is changing between us though. I am more comfortable with him ordering me around. Well... As comfortable as one can get with Rowan. I think he tolerates me more too. I sure if I stopped winning (not that I'd do anything like that) and growling he'd like me more. Maybe not._

_Calanmai is coming up. I'm sure Rowan has some nasty plan (cause he's a NASTY boy) for me. I guess I should probably be working to impress the bastard but right now it feels like I'm working with him. I don't feel the looming date of an end goal being fulfilled anytime soon._

_I'm excited to wake up tomorrow. I haven't felt like this since I left Mom. I've been doing so good. Some days are better than others. Sometimes if I'm lost in my thoughts or alone I feel him. It feels like he's in the room with me. It feels like his horrible attempts to sneak up on me. I'd let him of course. It feels like if I looked over my shoulder he'd be standing right there. It's jarring. I don't know what this means. He just visits me sometimes. In my thoughts. With his aura. I don't know. I wish he'd stay away. I have a good thing going on and I wouldn't trade it for anything or anybody in the world. Well maybe for Erawan's death. _

Aelin whipped her head to the window hearing rustling. She burnt the letter in a hot invisible flame and scrambled to shut the panes which had been thrown open from the wind. She leaned out searching the sky for a hawk, but nothing. She grumbled and pulled off her boots leaping gracefully into bed. _Kitchen duty again tomorrow Mom. I need all the sleep I can get._


	10. Letter 10

_Dear Chaol,_

_I think..._

"Aelin!" Luca burst through the and door. He missed the sly movement of her hand, tossing an unfinished letter into the fire. She watched it burn into nothing.

"Luca what could you possibly want at this hour?" Aelin's lip rose in a snarl. A habit she'd picked up from Rowan.

"It's Isabel." He shut the door behind him, silver lining his eyes. _Isabel? Must be that girl he had his arm around during Emrys' story. _

"Well come in. I'm not going to put another log on so you better spill," Aelin turned in her chair and pulled up her crossed legs to peer where Luca now sat on the carpet.

"She told me there is someone for her. And oh Gods. The gossip. It's as if we never talk face to face but always through another!" He shook his head. "She wants to meet tonight."

Aelin nodded. This was no time for advice, in matters of the heart sometimes it's best just to listen.

"I don't know if I should meet her. She said through Bas that she wanted to remain my friend! Oh, I could never. It would tear my heart to shreds," Luca grabbed a handful of his curls.

Aelin was quick to notice her fidgeting. Her hand had risen to the ring around her finger. Damn thing. "Luca I can offer my advice but in matters like this it's often of no use."

"No. Please do," he looked through his damp lashes. Aelin's heart panged at the sight.

"You won't be able to exist as friends. That much is clear. I don't know Isabel but if you think you have a fighting chance then go to her. But Luca." Aelin gripped the top of her chair. "You must protect your heart."

"I know, I know." He shook his head lost in thought and ramble. He listed events and gossip of last nights dinner.

"Luca go now." Aelin urged him to leave. He needed to clean up and decide if he was to meet Isabel tonight.

"Thank you Aelin." Luca left quickly closing the door gently behind him.

Aelin watched him go with a heavy heart. Her advice was good. From experience at least. But she couldn't help feel like it meant nothing at all.

She cursed the tear the slid down her cheek. God after all this time. She twisted the ring once around her finger. Wiped her tears, and went back to studying the map.


End file.
